An Imperfect Life

Many things have unfolded since my last post - Jordan and I have a beautiful baby boy named Bryson who is now 11 months old (don't grow up so fast, kid!) and the light of our lives, Jordan is continually moving up in the company where he works and has transferred to a new unit in the Guard and is having the best time being able to actually use his degree and interact with people of like-minded interests, we have been sealed together as a family for Time and all Eternity in the Payson, Utah Temple, I have completed my Associates degree in Medical Specialties and am now a Nationally Certified Medical Assistant (NCMA) and working part time at a family clinic, and now I am building my own itWorks! business to further our family's financial and physical freedom and stability.

All of those things are amazing and mean that our lives are pretty dang awesome...my life is pretty dang awesome! Today, though, I am in fairly deep reflection upon my ever-so-imperfect life; I live with Fibromyalgia (which is like a tornado of symptoms that many people don't understand), I live with Depression, I live with Anxiety, I live with PTSD, and most recently diagnosed in clinical terms...I live with Bipolar Disorder (surprise, surprise for those who have put up with my episodes ;p). Every single one of these chronic and life-long illnesses goes entirely against my innate nature, heart, and mind.

I have been working painstakingly and exhaustively towards rectifying my wrong-doings and hopefully salvaging what I am able of the relationships (those that I have left) which I have all but destroyed or, at the very least, tainted. Unfortunately, however, while none of these conditions own me and I am still responsible for myself, they unabashedly lay claim on my life and my actions in avid frequency....and they do not discriminate on circumstance, subject, relationship, or any matter of involvement in my life.

The past few days I have been feeling extremely anxious, on edge, and as though there were an actual weight (like, say, that of an anvil) crushing me - my chest in particular. I am making this my public statement and apology to any and all friends and family whom I have caused confusion or pain of any sort. I would attempt to apologize to each individual through personal communication, but I feel a fear of having that personal communication at this time, so I ask that you bear with me and take this heartfelt letter as enough for now. On a day when I do not feel quite so weak I will gladly communicate with any who wish to express their thoughts, frustrations, or concerns in relation to my words here.

I truly feel sorrow for taking advantage of and taking for granted the pieces of you that you have so graciously shared with me. Thank you for loving me, even if or when you hate (or at the very least, dislike) me.

And now, as all sleep deprived mothers must do whenever the opportunity presents itself, I must go take a nap. As Thomas Dekker says, "Sleep is that golden chain that ties health and our bodies together", and furthermore in the words of John Steinbeck, "It is a common experience that a problem difficult at night is resolved in the morning after the committee of sleep has worked on it." Therefore, I must sleep. :)